“His windows are open, I want to scream his name”

First day

I am preparing for a very big upheaval. In a few weeks, our surrogate mother will give birth to our baby boy, who we are expecting with my partner. We devoted a lot of our time to it for five years. I am afraid of feeling swallowed up, of not having any more time for myself, of becoming a prisoner. I look for spaces of freedom, excitement.

This long distance pregnancy worries me. We are far away, we don’t really know the process of surrogacy, we are alone in our experience. Our entourage doesn’t support us too much. I’m also happy with this life ahead, but I’m superstitious so I don’t leave too much room for happiness, I’m afraid it’s going to get messed up. Everything is messed up, I need to escape.

There’s this stuffy party we’re invited to. Cocktails, petit fours, amazing buffet, just beautiful and very well dressed people looking at each other. I hesitate to go there, I want to drink and dance, but not in a space where everyone is going to make me feel like nothing is right, that my hair lives its life without me and my dark circles deepen. My companion insists, I agree to go, and I tell myself that it does not matter, that I will go dancing afterwards during one of my nocturnal journeys.

I often go on night trips. Generally, at the beginning there is a conventional dinner that is not very funny, with friends I know well but without surprises, without adrenaline, without adventure. I start to step under the table, I have to escape. When the boring guests go to bed, my evening begins. This is my valve. I walk very fast and alone in the streets of Paris. My crossings are lonely, no comrade who complains because I wander too much.

“He is very knowledgeable. Our eyes are electric. I try not to watch it because I think it hurts my spouse.”

I go to gay bars. I talk to people I don’t know, we don’t give each other our first names, we don’t give each other our professions, we don’t care, we are far from our social status from the day, we talk about the alcohol we drink, music playing in the background. It is the antithesis of what I saw two hours earlier. It’s a life ride, not really sexual, a spade or two, but that’s it. I feel like family in these gay places, we understand each other without speaking, which is not the case with straight dinners.

At the chic evening where I am with my companion, I am already thinking about it, about my next escape. We land in a lavish VIP area. The number of gays per square meter is very high. I feel badly dressed, especially compared to this man – his name is Gabriel, I will find out later. He is very knowledgeable. Our eyes are electric. I try not to watch it because I think it hurts my spouse. I don’t like it when he does that to me, so I try not to, we’re not a free couple.

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