I don’t know how to say this…

So I’m just going to say it like ripping off a band-aid. This past week, I made the decision to ask my husband to leave after 11.5 years of marriage. I had found out for the third time over the past year and a half of his unfaithfulness and deceit towards me and our family. Words cannot begin to describe the agony and the despair of my heart. Because my children do not have the biblical leader as a father that I thought they originally had. And, because he was my best friend and only confidant, and this level of betrayal is unlike anything I could possibly try to describe. I have read Psalm 55 over and over and rest in the Lord’s comfort. Verse 22 says, “Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”

Source: weheartit.com via Miriam on Pinterest

I want to say that I am so very sorry to each and every one of you whom we personally know for how his betrayal and hypocrisy has hurt you. My heart aches, not just for myself and my children, but also for each of you.

I’m not sure when I will stop crying. I’m not sure if/how I’ll be able to trust again. I’m not sure how I am going to raise four children on my own. But one thing I’m sure of, is the Truth of God’s Word — That “His mercies are new every morning”, and that “His grace is sufficient for me”.

Of course, my ultimate prayer is for my husband’s repentance and restoration to the Lord who he has first sinned against. It will be a long road and I truly do care for his salvation. And although we are separating, I want him to be that man for his children.

Why do you ask am I typing this in a blog post? Because this is my life. And for those of you who know our family, I want you to hear this news from me and hear my heart. Everything is out in the open by now. And maybe just maybe there is a woman out there who would seek comfort knowing that she is not alone. My hope and trust is in the Lord and He is my strength! May the Lord be glorified in all things, even through this trial. This is my heart. I am broken.
Lots of love,
Mary

17 thoughts on “I don’t know how to say this…

  1. Roberta Lott

    I’m so sorry to hear about your situation! Hopefully your husband will realize the error of his ways and redeem himself the best he can. My wish is for you to be strong and take one day at a time. Just never know what life is going to hand you. Take care!

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  2. Decorum DIYer

    Mary, I do not know you well, only through your blog. That said, I am very proud of you and your strength. I can not imagine what your head and heart are going through. Continue to be strong and to believe, for that is what your children will take from this experience. I wish you the best and appreciate your honesty. Please know that I am extended my heart and my hand to you. Bless you, your children, and your family.

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    1. Debbie Frazey

      Sweet precious Mary. Your strength amazes me. In the middle of your pain, you are thinking of others! In the midst of such personal betrayal, may you know and feel how much you are loved by your church family and many others and most of all by your heavenly father who will provide for all your needs! We love you.

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  3. Elizabeth Stewart

    I am so sorry that you are having to walk through this heart breaking valley. Praying for you that God will supernaturally strengthen you to keep walking one step at a time. May His love overwhelm and comfort you and your children.

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  4. Michelle

    Dear Mary, my heart is breaking for you! I applaud you for having the courage to stand up for yourself and your children…that must have been incredibly difficult and not an action done lightly. I will be praying for you…for His peace and comfort during this time, for your health and strength (and that of your unborn child), for His wisdom and companionship as you continue to raise your children according to God’s word. You are a precious daughter of the most high King, and have so much worth and value! The actions of others toward you do not reflect how wonderful and valuable you are…I pray you remember that in the days ahead. God loves you, dear sister!

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  5. Robyn

    “God is faithful…He will never (no never, ever) allow the righteous to be moved.” God is the God of all comfort who knows how to comfort us in our distress so that we can comfort another in their distress. May the God of all hope fill you with hope in believing…Mary, we are believing God for good things for you and your children. We know He is faithful, He is merciful, He is tender and compassionate. We are your family in this and we will be there for you. I love you Mary…

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  6. Alicia

    Mary! I’m crying with you right now. From the first time we met, I have admired you and your wonderful family and have been in awe as you have gone through various struggles with such grace. . . the same feelings I have about Margie. :) I am just praying for all of you and wishing I could give you a hug in person. xoxo Alicia

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  7. Angela Harrison

    Praying for you and your sweet babies who I’m sure are hurting so much. I don’t know a lot of answers about life, but I do know that the answer always lies with our Lord. Love and prayers to you.

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  8. Stephanie

    I don’t know you, Mary, but I’ve been following your blog. I wanted to offer you a word of encouragement. I, too, found myself in a similar position 15 years ago. Alone, with 5 children – ages 5 – 13. I can’t say that I raised them by myself, because we had a wonderful church family and friends, and their father stayed involved in their lives, but I did raise them on my own.

    From the other side, I can tell you that the Lord IS faithful. I will not tell you that you won’t have bad days, because you will. Or that you will never be discouraged, because you will be. Or when your tears will stop – because I don’t know, but I can tell you that they WILL stop. Through it all, though, the Lord will sustain you. Even in your darkest moments. You may not even have the strength to turn to him, but he IS faithful, and will ALWAYS be beside you.

    The one thing I always tried to remember, and I would encourage you to put at the forefront of every decision that you make: Your children did not ask to be born into a broken home. Do your best to help them through this. They love their mother AND their father, and they are made up of both of your genes. Try your best never to speak of their dad negatively to them, because when you criticize him (regardless of the reason), you are criticizing them. Try to not EVER make them choose sides. I can honestly tell people that although I would rather we could have had a great marriage, we had the *best possible* divorce.

    My kids are all now healthy, thriving adults, although divorce effected them all in some way. Keep the communication lines open between all of you – and especially encourage relationship with their dad. Kids need healthy relationships with their moms and their dads.

    So, from the “other side,” Mary, be strong and of good courage. Cry to Jesus. Lean on your friends – that’s what God gave them to you for. Keep your kids in church – they need the community. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  9. Nora

    Dear Mary,
    I do not know you personally, but have come to enjoy and admire your amazing blog.
    I have to say, I understand you more than you know, for I went through something very similar 12 years ago. I am truly sorry to hear you are going through such difficult heart wrenching time. Just wanted to tell you that even though it does not seem possible to stop crying or hurting, “…this too shall pass!” I have not been happier than I am now, and for what appeared like the longest time thought it would never happen, but, yes, I am happily re-married, loved, spoiled and greatly appreciated by an incredible gentleman, who was ready to commit and share his whole life with me and my daughters. Please don’t give up, life will bring your way everything your heart desires and more. God promised and He is true to his words.

    A hug and my prayers for a fast healing heart.

    Nora

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  10. Jenn

    Sweet Mary, we love you! We will hold you up in the midst of your pain. We will pray continuously for God to provide for you and your sweet babies physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We pray, too, that we are instruments used by God to meet your need. You are so dearly loved by so many. I pray you feel the love and care of our precious church family. I pray for the strength of God to meet the need of each moment. Thank you for encouraging my heart and strengthening my faith by your response to this horrible time. Your strength, which I know comes from your faith in our LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ, is amazing. Your response is a testimony to God’s work in your heart.

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  11. Yvonne

    Dear Mary, I just now read your blog and my heart is breaking for you. I had no idea of the pain that you have been experiencing. I am so very sorry, Mary. I have seen you out working on your beautiful furniture and worried a little about your pregnancy and the fumes, but your nose and mouth looked well covered by the mask. . .and it was outside. I am just so sorry that I did not know until today that you have been going through such a deeply traumatic and terrible time. As others have said, the Lord will always be there for you, Mary. He loves you beyond anything you can imagine. I know this from within every part of me. He has always been there for me, and He will never ever leave you. Way. . . way far back in time I was married to a man who moved in with another woman and left the three us when I had two little, gorgeous babies. I know that the pain from that can make it so that you feel like you can’t even breathe sometimes. I remember it as one of the hardest, most horrible things that I have ever experienced. But I want you to know that there IS life after this trauma. Since my divorce, so long ago, I have been married to a dear and wonderful man, have had three additional fabulous children, who are now grown and married, with beautiful, fantastic children of their own–my amazing grandchildren, who are all the delight of my life! I can’t tell you how how many blessings directly from the Lord that I have received through these years, and I remember at the time when my two babies and I were alone that I could never imagine that I could be happy. Even before my remarriage the three of us became so happy as a little close, thriving, tight knit family. And those two babies turned out to be highly successful, really great, well adjusted adults–wonderful parents. The Lord leads us on our life’s journey. We always think that we are in charge, but He knows everything about us, and He is in charge. We just need to stay close to Him. I agree with what Stephanie–in the above blog–said to you. There is wisdom in her words. I would recommend following them. That is what I did, and I truly believe that it is the best course to follow. My love and prayers are with you, and your sweet little ones.

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  12. Kim

    Dear Mary:

    Having gone thru similar betrayal, it’s is definitely God who will get you through. I pray for his healing and forgiveness in your life. With Him you will alway end up on top! Love you and my heart extends to you and your family. Daniel will definitely be in my prayers. As difficult as it may be, you made the right decision.

    Much love, Kim

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  13. Lesli Kohout

    Dear Mary,

    I’m so sorry. There just aren’t words. I want you to know that I’m praying for you. I’m so glad you have such an amazing church family to love and care for you. We don’t live in AZ anymore, so all I can do is pray. And I will continue to do so. You are a beautiful woman of God and he will be by your side and give you the strength you need each day.

    Love,
    Lesli

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  14. Simone Daniel

    Mary,

    I don’t know you at all. In fact this is my first time ever visiting your blog. I was in tears through out reading this. My heart aches for you and with you. Family is extremely important to me so this saddens me deeply. God is true and his word is true. He will be your strength and strong tower during this time. I will prat that God heals your heart, not just you but your children and family as well. I wish you well.

    Love,
    Simone

    Reply

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